Writing tips so useless, they might actually work

I will eternally be jealous of those prolific, talented bastards who can crank out 3,000 words in an hour. Until the day I wake up and magically become one of them, no matter how hard I try, it’s going to remain equal parts slow and painful.

And yet, I’ve chosen writing time and time again as my most loved way to spend any free time (and sometimes all my working hours). Go figure. Maybe it’s like having kids (dear parents, please forgive me): you love the hell out of them even though they make you lose your hair and want to get into a traffic jam just so you can have a couple more minutes for yourself. 

Anyway, for the sake of my entertainment (and possibly yours), I jotted down a completely useless list of writing ingredients. I’m sharing them here in case you ever wonder whether anyone can. Write, I mean. Yes, they can. 

Yes, YOU can. 

This is all you’ll need:

1. An average-sized brain

2. A couple of thoughts

3. At least one finger, preferably a few more for speed

4. One pen/pencil/marker/piece of chalk/darker shade of lipstick or a working keyboard 

5. A few pieces of paper or a single computer that doesn't crash too often 

6. A smidge of talent makes it easier but isn't necessary 

7. A good night's rest usually helps

8. A bit of ‘stealing’ for inspiration’s sake

9. A moody playlist or just some plane silence 

10. One pair of headphones or a gun in case of interruption 

11. Some willpower to keep you going

12. A bit of drama for good measure

13. A dash of melancholy to spice things up

Now, not all of these are mandatory. Some are replaceable. A few are just preference add-ons you can ditch without ruining everything. But there are a couple that are definitely non-negotiable: willpower, and — let’s be real — a moody playlist if you’re low on real-life emotion. Also, a pen would probably be handy unless you’re keen on writing in the sand with a stick.

Bottom line: if you want to write, just sit down and do it because it feels freaking great when you finally do. You can even write standing up like Hemingway if you prefer that kind of torture.

You’ll fall in love with it either way.